why didn't you poke me back
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
