Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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