I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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