Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
