he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
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I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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