everyone is single if you try hard enough
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
