____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
