I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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