my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
