he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Drunk is a universal language darling
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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