Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
