I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I could fuck to npr.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
