she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
