I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
