Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
