he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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