You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
