Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
