we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
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One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
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How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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