call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Watching her eat just hurts me
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
