Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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