My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
