I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
