Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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