I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
