I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
