Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
