I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
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Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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