so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
