Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
