I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
