She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
