sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
