I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
