you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
