I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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