I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
