When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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