For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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