a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
