apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My pussy is not your playground.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
