Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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