I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
