he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
