i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
