Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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