i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
