If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
