A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I need to stop coming to work sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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