So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
