she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
