I didn't shave. On purpose
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
