my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
