Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
