just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
