my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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