My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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