I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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