Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
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mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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