we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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