I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
