There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
