and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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