so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
