I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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