there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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